I don’t even know where to start, and I am not sure what I am doing posting this on here… I think it reflects my level of desperation more than anything… I am seeking constructive advice here.
This all starts about five years ago… at least the bulk of it anyway. I finished college from a major university here in the states, was planning to become a professor, and applied abroad for phd programs, got accepted at the #1 university in the world for my major overseas. I went and I did well academically, but I didn’t last the first year of my program because I had way too much
debt from my four-year institution along with other debt. So I was forced to abandon my plans to become a professor, returned home, and got a job right away to avoid defaulting on stuff. I did all that, and to be honest at the time I felt OK about everything I was doing.
I had plans to try and continue with the PHD thing- but all those plans came undone with the job I picked up here in the states that required me to work long hours. I was working in the mortgage industry, and while it was good money, it was highly stressful, and I honestly didn’t care for it. I essentially felt like I was doing what I had to do to kill off my debt, but it left no time for doing my studies or anything.
I paid off a large portion of my credit card debt, but I still had a boat-load in
student loans.
Earlier this year (four years later), I started the year with a small amount of that debt left from my college days (except student loans which will not be paid off for an eternity).
In Feb, I lost my mortgage job because the company I worked for closed down my branch. Then I took a job offer to move across the country to work for this company renovating houses. Six months later in June that job melted down and I was forced to quit because I hadn’t been paid in a month.
I drove all the way back across the country, my car broke down multiple times, it finally died in the desert, and I abandoned it. I was luckily able to rent the only car I could one-way out of town, and finally got to my destination.
Since July I moved in with some relatives- I have been looking for work and my debt once again is piling up. I have had interviews and have been offered opportunities to do things- but to be honest- and here is my problem- I am completely uninspired. Flat-out, I just don’t care.
I used to be very driven and focused, and I set personal goals for myself and I actually CARED about what I was doing. Now, no matter how much I try to motivate myself, set goals, and everything… life is just stale to me.
I feel like the best opportunity and what I really loved doing passed me by, and I kind of live in this long shadow of what-could-have-been but never-will-be. My family and friends think the world of me, and they have these high expectations for me- but the fact is- I just don’t care anymore. I feel like the person they see me as isn’t real, and they just haven’t figured it out yet regardless of me telling them how unrealistic their expectations are.
All this is extremely isolating, and my stomach literally turns as I look over adds for jobs, go on interviews, and just ‘play’ at trying to care when inside I really don’t.
This lack of desire extends to all areas of my life too- work, personal relationships, everything. I find myself wanting to stay away from people. I haven’t ‘chased’ women in years (literally), nor had a relationship in years. I don’t even care.
While I have been living with this lack of desire really for the last four years, it is only now I am starting to get worried because I see it effecting my motivation to do anything at all. All I really ‘want’ to do is go to the beach and go on long walks and hikes alone.
I feel like I don’t have the luxury to feel this way or to be doing this, but my motivation is zero. What is frightening is I don’t even care about the financial damage I am doing to myself right now by not working and taking these jobs.
When people ask me- what do you want to do?
I have no answer.
I feel like ‘desire’ the thing that makes you want and gives you motivation is dead in me.
I am in a very dark place, and I just don’t know what to do anymore? I have had faith things will turn around, but I am losing that as well. I feel increasingly abstract and detatched about all this. This is either a major transistion in my life, or… I don’t know? I feel like I don’t the my fingers on the pulse of my life anymore. As I said, I am open to any constructive advice.
Sell and Rent Back
