An extension on my last question?
Here is my last question, in case you didn’t see it: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvefZDtWe6KrLDoGWkg95NTsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081124065432AAXFxN3
I’ll sum it up real quick if you don’t wanna read all that: My mother in law who has always been overbearing bought tickets to a play for my stepson without asking my husband and I if he had plans, after we told her to wait to buy them already. Well, he did have plans. Heres the new issue.
She called me and put me on the spot, big time. She called from her cell phone, with the ticket company on her home phone. She said “What Saturday in December is he free?” I said “I dont’ know, I’ll have to get back to you” (Typically, my husband and I discuss decisions together and I honestly didn’t know what was going on for the month anyway — we have 3 different Christmas parties to go to and I’m unsure of the dates, etc.)
She said “No. You need to tell me now. You know he (my stepson) really wants to go and this isn’t fair.” So I said “I’m sorry I don’t know I’ll have to call you back.” She said “I have them on hold right now! I can’t call them back! Please don’t make me eat this, please. It’s not fair. Can he go this Saturday? Is that fine? He can’t be busy every d*mn Saturday.” I said “Fine.” and hung up.
I am livid that I was put on the spot. I guess it’s my own fault for not standing up for myself and just flat out saying “Tough I’ll have to call you later” and getting off the phone. Grr. I just don’t know how to handle the situation now because I’m so angry right now that I just want to scream at her. Of course I wouldn’t do that, but I don’t know what to say to her. I’m mad that she stepped out of line, then she lied to my husband by saying it was almost sold out and it was the last show so she had to buy it, then when she talked to me “any Saturday works”, and I’m mad for getting put on the spot and forced to make a decision we weren’t ready to make yet. I guess it’s unfair to say I was “forced” because I am in control of my own actions, I’m just annoyed.
Should I confront her about how I feel about how she treated me, or just let it go and suck it up? I want to know if I’m unreasonably angry. (I’m also angry because I don’t think he should go since she stepped so much out of line.)
Unfortunately I felt pressured to say “fine” considering my husband thinks he SHOULD go since they spent money. We were going to talk about it later, which is why I tried stonewalling her so much and telling her we’d call her later. I was wrong for not sticking to that, but I couldn’t disrespect my husband’s feelings by telling her “No.” I know I should have just stonewalled and stuck to that.
I can’t call her back and tell her no, because my husband wants to let him go. So I guess I say nothing. 
And just to add for the 3rd person to answer, the day she asked about the plans was last night, at 6:00 at night. And he told her to call with the showtimes and we’d let her know.
And my husband doesn’t make the final decision with my stepson. If that works for you great, but we run our household with equal say for all our kids — that’s just how we run it.
Sell and Rent Back
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Does your step son want to go? It’s not all about you, you know. Just let it go, what’s the point of getting angry about such silly things, it just shows how easy it is to get to you and make you angry. Be calm and cool about it and show her you’re above it. You’re playing right into her trap. Mention next time that she should not put you on the spot like that and let it go, it’s not that big of a deal. Let your step son go, he shouldn’t suffer because you and her can’t be civil with each other.
I’m angry at you for saying “Fine” when you should have said, “Well then, the answer is no.” That is most certainly what I would have said. If anyone tries to pressure me into anything I feel unsure about, I consider it erring on the side of caution to use No as my default response. You would do well to a adopt the same philosophy. And when people use curse words, I am even more sure to deny whatever they want. You should call her back and tell her you’ve changed your mind. Tell her that as long as this is her attitude, your son most definitely will be busy every single Saturday.
And stop getting angry! You don’t have to be angry to tell someone no. Just say no. Be matter of fact. You can even say that you’re sorry to have to say no. Your problem, the thing that is making you miserable, is the irrational thing you are telling yourself: that you “should” try to accommodate your MIL. Stop shoulding on yourself. That’s all I’m saying. Be true to yourself, and agree to others requests when you feel like doing so, and deny others’ requests when that is what you feel like doing.
I am a step mom too. I understand your frustration and I use to fight about little things too. Dont get into a power struggle over things! You may sometimes be loosing sight over what it is all about. It is not about you, or grandmother its about a boy. You are the stepmom, and have a big hand in raising this boy. But remember you are not the mom. The dad is the one who needs to have the final say and its good he is the one who talks to grandmom.
It sounds like you have lost respect for grandmom, but you need to remember this is her grandson and be happy that she is involved in his life. There can be worse things trust me. The day she asked about your plans, I think you could have looked at your schedual and called her back that same day / night. That way she would have had a concrete yes or no, and this would not have blown up like this.
It may be time for you to take the MIL chip off your shoulder.
In fact, I think it is probably past time for you to take this chip off your shoulder.
Your step son is fortunate to have a grandparent in the mix who is willing and able to have a relationship with the kid. My children did not have that opportunity with most of their grand parents.
It is sounding very much like you need to step back and get out of these petty arguments.
IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD, you need to lighten up and
and quit being petty regarding your inconvenience.
You are going to come off as an obstruction rather than a facilitator.
You are the STEP mom.
You are putting far, far too much emotional energy into a fight you cannot win without seeming, well shabby (sorry but I could not resist).
The holiday season is about to commence. It is best to get these things out of the way early so you can be a lot more firm about the scheduling later.
Your MIL is a blood relative to this kid. Your relationship is by marriage and choice. This is probably every bit as difficult for a woman who is used to calling the shots as it is for you walking into this family as the second choice.
You must know that MIL is probably not going to change much and you are fighting a losing battle. So the question becomes how much energy are you going to spend here.
Darlin’ life is too short. Where Mom is concerned, she may not be available for this relationship much longer, no one can say.
In the long run it is just not worth all this.
I will tell you this. If you want to stomp you feet and draw a line in the sand about this and this kid really does want to go you will send a very poor message to this child. It will be that you really are not interested in what they want and more about you.
If that happens you have lost him and will set yourself aside as the personification of the evil stepmother.
So you really need to take a hard look at your attitude and ask yourself if your issues with MIL are worth taking the chance of losing the kid.
My advice is settle down.
I would let my stepson go. Aside from the fact that your mil is overbearing and your anger is justified, my grandchildren love one on one outings with us it makes them feel special. I would definitely say to her that it’s too bad he’ll miss your family party, which he enjoys too, and please check with you next time so there isn’t a conflict. It probably won’t do any good if she’s that pushy but will make you feel better. Then let it go, getting into a power struggle with the in-laws is a waste of energy even though you don’t want to be a pushover.
Don’t beat yourself up–you tried (AGAIN) with her, but I agree with the other poster that said you are fighting a losing battle with her and the only person getting stressed is you and SHE isn’t worth that! I know its tough but you’re doing the best you can, now let it go and maybe set yourself up for a massage while the stepson is gone with Grandma on Saturday!